If there was one thing I took away from my trip to Japan that will stick with me forever, and no, it's not an STD, it's that Japan goes to show that a country can actually work, and work well. I'm sure there are problems (Tokyo is TOO big, for one) but simple good service, courtesy and respect remain.

So, how is Japan better than the rest of the world?

1) SHINKANSEN - they take the French TGV, make it faster and say 'non merci' to French Unions and their notoriously annoying strikes. This means that in 2006, the Shinkansen was on average 36 seconds late. THIRTY-SIX SECONDS! Plus they look cool, like you want to stroke it, and the ticket inspectors and pretty trolley girls bow when they enter and exit the carriage. And of course the environment smiles as domestic aeroplane flights are reduced. Smashing.

2) LOCAL PUBLIC TRANSPORT - it goes where you want to go, you can set your watch by it, nobody uses their phone and bellows to their Mrs that they are going to be late 'because Tony at work shredded the docs', they are clean, safe and in Naha (a city of only 300,000) they have a MONORAIL. Cool!

And look! They are already building for the future...(NB Teleport machines are carbon neutral)

3) TOYOTA - Toyota world in Tokyo, kind of a giant theme-park/Toyota/Lexus dealership. You can try out ANY Toyota/Lexus on the test track - just purchase a ticket from a vending machine and your car will be lowered down from the elevator... Or maybe sir would welcome a pew in an electric car that drive itself? No need for a chauffeur... Al Gore has been warned not to visit - the amount of hybrid vehicles on offer would lead to a fatally large wet dream.

4) CRIME AND DISORDER - With knife crime in the UK running at an all time high, drunken louts bashing each others heads in and anti-terrorist security measures infringing upon basic human rights the Japanese show it need not be that way. Police are ever-present (real ones, not CCTV), drunken violence is not a problem and security in their airports is both strict and yet efficient. One can check in for a domestic flight 15 minutes before departure and make it onto the plane. Only 30 mintues for an international flight - a point we proved after taking the wrong train to the airport. If only Heathrow could be 10% as good... Just make sure you watch out for these unsavoury characters when in Kyoto:

And just a reminder that terrorism IS a problem outside of the USA/Europe (a fact western media often ignores) a fantastic wife-beater top commemorating the Bali bombings:

5) TRUST - two English people walk into a scooter hire shop. The owner does not speak English, we do not speak Japanglish. We show our driving licences, point to where we are staying, write down how many days we want to hire the scooters for. And we are off. No deposit, endless paperwork or other such tripe. Trust - where has it gone?

Somehow I managed to make this snazzy hog look all YMCA...

6) IT'S THE little things THAT MATTER - as fat boy Andy below shows, why should bollards be solid, so that when you reverse into one by accident it smashes you rear bumper?

They also make convenient seats when waiting for a bus. Don't worry, the bus was on time.

7) BEER - none of this low percent, lesbian beer nonesense in Japan. Nothing but 5% alcohol content plus. Sure, the Japanese aren't the heaviest of drinkers but they do like a pint or three. And beer also elicits an unknown Japanese skill - the skill of being able to speak English, invite you to join them in a (what later turned out to be gay) bar and hit on Andy (who ordered a cocktail to make it worse). They have cans as tall as Western people - that's almost double the size of the average Japanese! And also they make fantastic posters. Really, really, bloody good.

So, UK, USA. If Japan can do it - why can't we???